arturo huerta and henry marshmallow
from REDEMPTION ARC by the garages
track by Ethan Geller (feat. Jennface) (revolveroscelot.bandcamp.com)
You want it I’ve got it Arturo in the pocket Batter’s worst nightmare Arturo, Arturo, Arturo, Chant my name though I might not be there Can’t see me, Can’t hear me, just a vague feeling Coming from the pitching square It’s Arturo, Arturo, Huertas Arturo, Arturo, Huertas We don’t have to play these games You won’t know who threw the ball til the ball is through the strike frame Swing batter, swing batter, swing I dare you You will never hit this fastball It looks easy Pitching a strike And then pitching a strike And then pitching again But you believe me I worked hard Shaping these marshmallow Muscles into a real Killing machine Have you seen die hard? I’m like the blaseball John McClane Til I’m dead, throwing curveballs cross the Astral Plane Yippie Kie Yay I seem scary But I’ve got a soft side A Marshmallow heart Made of sugary gold For my teammates I’m Willing to Throw both these gelatin Hands, mess with them, you will Get knocked out cold Don’t you forget The name’s Henry Marshmallow The most beautiful man with a saccharine soul Don’t you ever forget The name’s Henry Marshmallow A true champion, with a hardened sugar mold It’s Henry Marshmallow, the world’s greatest pitcher in all of blaseball! It’s Henry Marshmallow, the world’s greatest pitcher in all of blaseball! La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la. La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la. La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la. La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la. These hands could Deliver baseballs To thousands of catchers And never meet a bat That’s a new poem I just wrote It’s about pitching I’m so good at pitching I’m the MVM… MOST VALUABLE MARSHMALLOW MAN IN THE LEAGUE! Plus some humans think I’m a deity Who am I to argue? I think that I’m pretty rare. I’m a sentient marshmallow with perfect hair Here’s my song again It’s Henry Marshmallow, the world’s greatest pitcher in all of blaseball! It’s Henry Marshmallow, the world’s greatest pitcher in all of blaseball! La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la. La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la. La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la. La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la. One two three four! Thank you, thank you! Thanks to my backing band the mini marshmallows! They’re unionized now, I hate it! You might not know me, but my name is Henry Marshmallow, pitcher for the Seattle Garages, established baritone, aspiring tenor, but most of all, an INCREDIBLE athlete. And I always have been, though I have to tell you I used to be made fun of all the time for my marshmallow condition- I’m a marshmallow, in case you didn’t know. Actually in the minor leagues, I’d get heckled from the stands, like “HEY MARSHMALLOW MAN! WERE GONNA ROAST YOU! WERE GONNA MAKE YOU INTO A SMORE!” And eventually I had it up to here and yelled back “YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE I DARE YOU. IF YOU TRIED TO MAKE ME A SMORE AND EAT ME, YOUR BODY WOULD NEED TO BE, LIKE, 20% INSULIN! SO YOU CAN TRY AND MAKE ME A SMORE BUT IM GONNA LIKE WRECK YOUR PANCREAS IF YOU DO!” So then they’d be pretty quiet- just a sec, my publicist wants to talk... Okay, good news, I have decided to apologize, and I’m going to make a large donation to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. Shout out to everyone with Type one diabetes- Nick Jonas, Ethan Geller, Justice Sonia Sotomayor, all champions in my opinion. Ok I have one more thing to say actually- if it was me at the end of Ghostbusters instead of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man I would’ve won. Bill Murray would be like “ah man we were gonna ghostbust you but you’re like really chill! Do you want to make more movies with me?” Then I would’ve been a movie star, maybe even become president- then Reagan would’ve only had one term, Iran Contra wouldn’t have happened, I would defund the CIA, the entire geopolitical landscape would be- OK, my publicist is now telling me I REALLY need to stop talking, thank you all, I’m Henry Marshmallow, good night, and GO GARAGES! PARK IT! Yeah, how was that?